bluegrave: (Marie 1)
I don't think I'm cut out for it. I'm at the end of the semester for my tests and measures class and I have three assignments that aren't done and won't be done because I don't 'get them'. I read what they want in the form of these papers and it is literally gibberish to me. That *has* to be a sign of something.

There comes a time when you have to own up to your own shortcomings, and stop acting like it's the other person's fault. I think this is just one of those times and I think I'm just not cut out for school; I don't think I ever was. I'm crap with writing papers and I don't understand what they want. In the end I don't know if I can hack it. I feel like I'm going to end up failing no matter what, so why go even further into debt in order to prove that I'm right and that I can't hack it.

In the end I feel like no matter what I do I'm going to just let everyone down in my life, and I need to get to a point where I can actually subsist. I can't keep living the way I have and I'm not getting any older. I need to pay off my student loans, not continue to accrue them. I wasn't like my friend Mike who is just now starting to accrue student loans. My undergraduate years were ... well, they were awful. I didn't know what I waned to do, I wasn't talented at anything. I'm still not and I still don't. I'm floundering, I know I'm floundering and I can't find anything I'm good at.

I need to concentrate on finding a job that can pay my bills, on cutting down on excess spending and focusing on getting my student loans paid off and not trying to make my undergraduate count for something (hint: it doesn't). I need to stop pretending I'm smart or talented or have any type of marketable skill (hint: I don't) I need to find a place to start to get my life into some manageable existence instead of the spiral it's in, and I'm not sure getting further in debt in order to get my master's degree is it.

Right now I've only accrued a bit over 4k more in student loans. That's almost doable if I can find another or a second job. My undergrad is still astronomical, but I'm going to have to handle that. Because of my health and my wrists I've been accruing insane medical costs, which also isn't helping me. Basically right now I'm in a mountain of debt and have been for years. I just pretend I'm not and literally live paycheck to paycheck.

It's not even about getting to a state where I'm happy anymore. I've been emotionally topically numb since I was about ten with the only emotional output being from my bi-polar disorder. It's about fiscal responsibility and getting out from underneath the mountain of debt that I'm in. It's not about getting out of the house (I actually generally like living with my mom. We have a weird relationship that works for us) it's about being *able* to get out of the house if I want to. It's about being able to buy a car when my old one gets totaled and not having to pray we can find a decent one for 6k because that's what the insurance is willing to pay for my hale damaged car. It's abut not having a sword of Damocles hanging over my head every minute of every day in the form of 'if anything happens to my mom I'm screwed'.

June 2014

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